Index

Number of hours my self-imposed detox lasted: 36
Number of reasons for need to drink: too numerous to count
Number of websites that think I may have a problem: 1
Number of boyfriends that think I may have a problem: 1
Number of friends that think I may have a problem: 0
Number of friends: 3
Number of friends in London: 0
Months spent in London: 11
Months spent trying to make friends in London: 11
Months spent in total and utter futility: 11
Number of jobs I have held in London: 2
Number of times my salary has increased: 2
Work hours per day that my colleague spends talking on her mobile: 7
Number of work hours per day that I spend talking on my mobile: 0
Work hours per day that I spend texting from my mobile: 0.75
Work hours per week that I spend reading celebrity gossip: 15
Number of times I may have exaggerated in this index: 4
Number of flatmates I really like: 4
Ratio of likeable flatmates to tolerable flatmates: 4:3
Number of flatmates I would get drunk and make out with: 2
Percentage of these flatmates with girlfriends: 100%
Percentage of these flatmates with flatmate girlfriends: 50%
How much time am I wasting here: loads
How much do I miss you guys: loads

don't try this at home

As you may or may not know, I went to comedy club the other night. While most of the comedians were not particularly funny, I heard some new phrases that I wanted to test-drive, since, let's face it "are you shitting in my purse?" is getting a little old.

Last night I had the perfect opportunity at a silly drunk party on a houseboat moored near Canary Wharf. I selected the drunkest guy at the party and I approached him and initiated a banal conversation. Then, I interupted him with, "you know, you have exactly what my Grandmammy used to call a five cock mouth."

I am not sure the reaction I was expecting, but he did not respond well and I made a quick exit. My results thus far have been pretty inconclusive and I will probably need to collect some more data. It may be the perfect way to start a fight. I just got called a crazy bitch, but I am sure I could have gotten him to punch me if I had put a bit more effort into it. Maybe seven cocks next time?

first

The picture isn't great, but muah... It is love.

i can be bought

i was so distraught over sarah's departure that my bosses gave me a marc jacobs handbag to cheer me up. and it worked.

it is a sea green blake bag from the spring 2006 collection. pictures to follow.

and when i make my fortune you will all get bags too!

not a word

Alphabetise. It's not a word in England. Or Australia.

They make me doubt myself... I didn't make it up, did I?